Being Between: a series about moving from our current day jobs and life situations toward our true vocations and life goals.
In this fourth installment of the Being Between series, Charis Maloy talks about living from day to day while planning for future happiness.
Most of my readers know that I’m a busy girl. Multiple jobs plus trying to write and start a small business make for chaos. What Sally wasn’t really aware of are some of the major transitions in my personal life that are affecting the way I relate to work, and the sacrifices that I am making in order to do what needs to be done.
For the last year and a half, I’ve had my status as family doormat thrust down my throat. For the third time in my adult life, I allowed a certain few members of my family to bring me to the brink of bankruptcy. All while I was working nearly 100 hours a week.
In February, the characters in my head demanded that their story be told. On a major writing binge, I began to tell their stories. Then I had to stop and start building timelines to keep them straight because I had anywhere from 8 to 10 characters talking to me at once, telling me that I had, not a book, but a series.
Last May, after nearly twenty years of hiding my true self, I finally worked up the strength within myself to acknowledge that I am lesbian. This, in a small Wyoming town where my biggest support system has always been my very LGBT-unfriendly church. This is also the place where I once put my job on the line by mentioning in an offhand comment that my brother is gay.
At some point over the summer, friends for whom I had been beta reading and editing talked me into starting an editing business. Hence, my alter ego was born.
In terms of work, I quit three jobs that I hated, began a small business, continued writing and got a part-time job at a local fast food joint. What this usually means is that I get paid little to nothing to do what I love, and when I get more hours at work, my writing and editing suffer.
In terms of life, I am nearly packed. I’m selling the house and moving to a land far away. Sacrifices abound as I leave behind small children (not my own) who won’t remember me when I see them again. In order to truly become myself, I’m losing connection with the family that keeps pulling me into their web. The benefits outweigh the costs, however, as I will finally be permitted to be me.
I live my life from day to day, always planning for the future, always working toward my goal of a peaceful, loving life where I’m allowed to be true to myself and I can let my characters tell their stories. Some days I’m on cloud nine and everything is going according to plan. Other days it’s all I can do to keep from hiding under the blankets and crying because it’s so hard to have to stand completely alone in the face of the storm.
I only know that the few moments I’ve had that are close to what I seek are the happiest moments of my life.
When I look back on this time, I will see the strength that it took to stand true to myself. I’ve been trying for twenty years and I am too close to succeeding to fail now. Yes, this is a potentially expensive endeavor. It could cost me irreparable damage to my relationships with my family, and that is truly the biggest cost. The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that those relationships MUST change, or I will not have stood for myself. Therefore, I will have failed. I must stand for me, hoping that by making clean breaks, wounds will heal.
As I look at the boxes around me, I must sign off. I have to finish packing for the next big adventure.